are you fucking kidding me?
ROUND THREE
HAYLEY'S
picks
SARAH'S
picks
explanations
READ OUR ROUND ONE PICKS
READ OUR ROUND TWO PICKS
FOR A REFRESHER ON THE CANDIDATES, CLICK HERE
SAG WINNER
nikki haley
SAG WINNER
kellyanne
conway
Hicks v. Haley
sag: Haley. No, Hicks. No, Haley. Final answer. I think this is the hardest one yet. When this game began, I saw Hicks going all the way, and I still think that were she against some of the other players in this round, she'd be making it to round four. Still, I think Haley edges Hicks out here, mostly because Haley is pretty irreplaceable as far as assets go. Hicks is certainly loyal, but Haley is politically smart, and apparently has higher aspirations (presidential run, cough cough). If she manages to escape a Republican in the Trump administration relatively unscathed, it will be quite a feat--she really has something to gain sticking out her post. She (usually) balances staying above the fray and simultaneously delivering to her boss. Not to mention she has yet to be implicated in anything to do with Russia, which, in this pool, is a pretty remarkable achievement.
hmc: To be honest, it's gotta be Haley. It's just GOTTA be. First, because, even though Trump, you know, happened, I still maintain that on average, more government experience outlasts literally NO experience, in government or really otherwise. And second, because Hicks will only go as far as Trump goes. And I'm almost positive, whatever hellish news the next day of the Trump presidency brings, Haley will outlast Trump. I know I'm breaking the rules a little bit here but YOU CAN'T STOP ME SO HA!
Mattis v. Conway
sag: Conway. It's just a gut thing with this one, since I think Mattis is one of the few people Trump really respects (or maybe more accurately fears, since Mattis once said, "Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet"). Still, Mattis had a life before Trump, and will eventually retire and live out his days as a militarist old Republican after Trump. Kellyanne will ride the Trump train until the day she dies because she is nothing without him.
hmc: I agree with Sarah here. Conway here because Mattis may one day continue on with his life. Kellyanne has gone all in on Trump and she's not leaving until someone forcibly removes her. And I don't think that's going to be Trump.
HMC WINNER
nikki haley
HMC WINNER
kellyanne
conway
SAG WINNER
scott pruitt
Perry v. Pruitt (Sarah)
sag: To be perfectly honest, I don't think either deserve to have made it this far, but that is no one's fault but my own. Still, I think Pruitt will beat out Perry purely because I find him to be the more repugnant of the two, and as Trump gets more and more ridiculous in his comments, I can only believe those with equally hardline/ridiculous views will stand by him. Pruitt is just evil enough to see out killing off every last baby polar bear until there are none left.
DeVos v. Kelly (Hayley)
hmc: I think I gotta go with Kelly on this one. DeVos honestly just doesn't seem savvy enough to navigate the minefield of the White House (people are blowing up all over the place). Kelly has pulled off "managing" Trump without pissing Trump off too much. Even though he can't stop him from making blatantly racist comments, tweeting, or declaring himself a genius, that's still evidence of some dexterity. I don't think either will last to the end (whether that be 3 years, or, sigh, 8 years - I don't like to get my Muller hopes up), but Kelly will survive longer.
HMC WINNER
john kelly
SAG WINNER
stephen miller
STEPHEN COLBERT
WINNER
james mattis
Pompeo v. Miller
sag: Miller, hands down. Trump's shithole comments once again proved what we've known to be true for a long time; that he is a bigot and a racist and a xenophobe who is enabled and inspired and surrounded by similar-minded people. Trump is not going to change his ways, and we shouldn't expect him to. We should therefore not expect Miller to leave any time soon.
hmc: I'm going with Miller too. Pompeo is a formidable figure for sure and firing him would definitely ruffle some major feathers. But let's be honest, it's no more unusual than a lot of the things he has already done. The growing contempt, and maybe coming collision (collusion???!?!), between Trump and the intelligence community makes it far more likely for Trump to get rid of Pompeo than his brother in arms (read: racist comments and policy) Miller.
BONUS! STEPHEN COLBERT EDITION!
On Monday, January 15th, Sarah attended a taping of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. During a Q&A session, she asked Stephen, "if you could have anyone from the White House on your show, who would it be and what question would you ask." Stephen said that this was "a good question," and Sarah subsequently peed herself a littttle bit. Stephen then answered that he'd want Trump on the show, but since that's unlikely, he'd settle for someone who has their shit together, like James Mattis or Dana White (Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs) since they give a true scoop on what's up. I expected him to say Jared or Melania or Barron, but the guy knows his cabinet!!
Thank you Stephen Colbert, for (unknowingly) validating our choice to propel Mattis to Round 3 of this game. If you would like to play along, please email in your bracket (we have a funny feeling Mad-Dog will make it pretty far).
Side note: A Dana White is also the President of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. We assume this is NOT the Dana White to which Colbert was referring, though we would pay good money to see a showdown between Kushner and this Dana White.
HMC WINNER
stephen miller
STEPHEN COLBERT
WINNER
