Hicks v. Carson

hmc: Hicks. Because she’s slippery and sneaky but also because Ben Carson looks like he’s 75% asleep most of the time.

sag: Though her name screams country music b-lister, Hicks sneakily has more power than most. Not only is she one of the few Trump advisors who started at the ground level and still remains a trusted confidant, she may hold the keys to the Mueller investigation, so Trump does NOT want her to stray far.

 

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Pence v. I. Trump

hmc: Ivanka. A hard choice, but it seems like American democracy these days favors the heir over the politician.

sag: Pence. Though blood may be thicker than water, I predict Ivanka will be collateral in the Russia investigation and return to selling overpriced dresses to those who tout Hope Hicks as their role model.

 

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Haley v. Sessions

hmc: Haley. Sessions fell out of favor a while ago, hasn’t proven very good at his job or popular without Trump’s backing. Haley is the opposite.

sag: Haley, without a question. She is one of the few people on this list Trump hasn’t picked a fight with, maybe because he realizes she is one of the few people on this list people generally like. Sessions is liked by no one.

 

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Tillerson v. Friedman

hmc: Friedman. For all Tillerson’s insistence that he’s not quitting, he just looks beaten down. Friedman’s crazy enough to win Trump over.

sag: Friedman is more hardline than Netanyahu, which means he speaks Trump’s language. Also, moving Israel’s capital to Jerusalem is one of the few victories (at least to Trump) of the presidency. I’m shocked that Rex made it this far.

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Lighthizer v. Mattis

hmc: Mattis. Even though Mattis has been more openly disrespectful to Trump, trade and tariffs are going to be a huge issue in the new year. I bet one misstep and Lighthizer is gone.

sag: Mattis. His nicknames include “Warrior Monk,” “Mad Dog,” and “Chaos.” I legitimately think Trump is scared of ousting him

 

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Shulkin v. Chao

hmc: Chao. A hard one too - Shulkin is really well liked but the VA is volatile and getting a lot of bad press. And more transportation funding is one of the least controversial things Trump wants.

sag: Chao. She’s like a savvy child of an on-again-off-again couple; when asked to pick a side between Team Mitch and Team Donald, she smirked and said, “"I stand by my man -- both of them.” That quote could have been spoken by a teary Bachelorette to the camera after a fist-fight between the final two contestants. Cut to commercial break.

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Conway v. Rosenstein

hmc: Conway. No question. She is the slipperiest and Rosenstein might not be implicated by the Russia investigation but he could easily be fired for his handling of it.

sag: Oh, Conway. She is the Trump whisperer, better able to speak to and on behalf of Trump than pretty much anyone--especially Rosenstein, who Trump openly dislikes.

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Cohn v. Mnuchin

hmc: Mnuchin. He’s showier, more Trump’s style, and slightly more likely to survive a disagreement with Trump over trade. I might be wrong if he quits before Cohn to return to the private sector to reap the benefits of the tax bill he helped write.

sag: Cohn. I think Mnuchin will return to hedge fund management, since it is far more lucrative than government work, and work with his wife to create a line of dollar bill toilet paper as a side hustle.

 

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Sanders v. DeVos

hmc: DeVos. Simply because Press Secretary has been such a hard position to keep in this administration.

sag: Sanders. If she can survive pie-gatte, she can survive this presidency. Also, I feel like DeVos has thin skin, and will eventually crack under the pressure of being the most disliked member of Trump’s cabinet (according to the NY Times).

 

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Perry v. Ross

hmc: Perry. If he can come back from that 2012 gaffe, he can survive for the long haul.

sag: Perry. If he can command a room after his performance of 'Ice Ice Baby' with Vanilla Ice on the Dancing with the Stars finale last year, he can do anything.

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Pruitt v. McMahon

hmc: McMahon. Pruitt might be a bigger villain for liberals, but McMahon knows showmanship (see her WWE fame).

sag: Pruitt. As your resident Connecticut former resident, I believe I am an authority on Linda McMahon. If her tenure in Washington is anything like her $100 million attempts to run for senate, then she will not perform particularly well.

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Coats v. Kelly

hmc: Kelly. If he was going to leave it would have been in the first month of his tenure. He’s “managing” Trump to his satisfaction. Maybe someone will read him the definition of “aiding and abetting” and he’ll quit?

sag: Coats. I think Kelly is going to run out of steam eventually. His eyes scream, “get me out of here.”

 

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Perdue v. Zinke

hmc: Perdue. Zinke has come under fire for misuse of government money and he’d be an easy fire.

sag: Perdue. Zinke recently “pulled a Price” and used government money for personal expenses. As I learned in the HR orientation at work, that is a fireable offense!

 

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Mulvaney v. Pompeo

hmc: Pompeo. Pompeo is a harder fire and Mulvaney is going to have to weather the shitshow of the 2018 budget.

sag: Pompeo, but with the caveat that he may replace Rex. Either way, he’s sticking around.

 

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Hassett v. Acosta

hmc: Hassett. Acosta was Trump’s second choice for this position and Hassett isn’t even in the cabinet, so there’s less opportunity for him to piss anyone off.

sag: Hassett. He thinks Trump is enjoyable to be around and believes Americans will get a raise if the US cuts corporate taxes, which means Trump probably fucking loves him.

 

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Kushner v. Miller

hmc: Miller. Kushner may be family but he’s inexperienced and has a lot of responsibility which means he’s probably gonna fuck up big time. Trump values loyalty and Miller is just that.

sag: Miller. Kushner is a raging idiot, which isn’t a disqualifier (and is maybe even a plus) for holding a place in this White House, but it is a liability. Miller is the populist sitting on Trump’s shoulder whispering sweet racial epithets in his ear, and Trump can’t resist that shit.